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Hello

Hello, it’s me
I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet
To go over everything
They say that time’s supposed to heal you
But I ain’t done much healing

Hello, can you hear me
I’m in California dreaming about who we used to be
When we were younger and free
I’ve forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet
There’s such a difference between us
And a million miles

Hello from the other side
I must’ve called a thousand times
To tell you I’m sorry
For everything that I’ve done
But when I call you never
Seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I’ve tried
To tell you I’m sorry
For breaking your heart
But it don’t matter
It clearly doesn’t tear you apart anymore

Hello, how are you
It’s so typical of me to talk about myself
I’m sorry
I hope that you’re well
Did you ever make it out of that town
Where nothing ever happened
It’s no secret that the both of us
Are running out of time

So hello from the other side
I must’ve called a thousand times
To tell you I’m sorry
For everything that I’ve done
But when I call you never
Seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I’ve tried
To tell you I’m sorry
For breaking your heart
But it don’t matter
It clearly doesn’t tear you apart
Anymore

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Happy Birthday

Happy birthday, J.

i love you.

Cold house, white light
Yellow lamps and blackened skies
Duffel hoods and deep brown eyes
i sing you a song that i think you’ll like
And we walk the places we always go
A million faces, i don’t know
i say the words you’d always hope
Set our hearts racing even though

i know what you told me
i know that it’s all over and
i know i can’t keep calling
Every time i run i keep on falling

i know what you told me
i know that it’s all over and
i know i can’t keep calling
Just every time i run i keep on falling
On you

On the way you stand
On the way you sway
The way your hair curls in the rain
The little lines that write your face
Or the winter nights, you come and stay
Or the way you hit me when you wanna fight
The way i yearn, the way i cry
The way i love rolls with the tides
But we know we’ll make up every time

i know what you told me
i know that it’s all over and
i know i can’t keep calling
Every time i run i keep on falling

i know what you told me
i know that it’s all over and
i know i can’t keep calling
Every time i run i keep on falling
On you.

Oh you bring me all the things i need
i follow the rain to a rolling sea
i love you baby all the things i lay

i know what you told me
i know that it’s all over and
i know i can’t keep calling
Every time i run i keep on falling

i know what you told me
i know that it’s all over and
i know i can’t keep calling
Just every time i run i keep on falling
On you.

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Months…

J,

It became a strategy to stop writing you… a hope that maybe life would take over completely and the dreams would stop. But it didn’t… and they didn’t. And so here i am again.

i don’t know where life has taken you… and that’s likely for the best. But sometimes i let my mind wander, and i see you married. i see you maybe with a little one or two. i see you happy. And i’m happy for you. And still i love you.

It may be that i am to love you at a distance for the rest of my wandering life…

At some point in time, your face, that mop of hair, your body… it all became a memory… less and less vivid except for those moments where lightning struck. And amongst the debris i find that what i still vividly love is your soul, your mind, your heart… your laugh. How i miss making you laugh.

If you go to Heaven
And they bring me to Hell
Sneak out and meet me
Bring a box of L’s.

i love you.

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i get along…

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Shiver

We broke
Everything that was right
We both enjoyed a good fight

And we sewed
All the holes we had to breathe
To make the other one leave

And I loved
The way you looked at me
And I miss
The way you made me feel
When we were alone

And I’ll shiver like I used to
And I’ll leave him just for you
And I’ll shiver like I used to
Just for you

And we stole
Every moment we had
To make the other one feel bad

And we hoped
That we could be what we knew
We’d never turn out to be real

And I loved
The way you looked at me
And I miss
The way you made me feel
When we were alone

And I’ll shiver like I used to
And I’ll leave him just for you
And I’ll shiver like I used to
Just for you

And if we turn back time
Could we learn to live right…

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Giant

There’s a giant leading me to God knows where…

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Christmas

The smells of the street vendors – crepes, churros, caramel.
People spill out onto cobblestone roads – voices, laughter, warmth.

It’s the Christmas season, and i think of you.
On a balcony, nursing the perfect coffee, ruminating.

Wherever you are… Merry Christmas.

i love you.

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November

The dreams of you were more frequent… in November.

i didn’t know how to write about them.
i couldn’t describe all the emotions.
And so i didn’t write.

Maybe for fear of saying the wrong thing.
Maybe for lack of the right words.
And so i didn’t write.

But i’m here. And perhaps soon i’ll find the words.

i love you.

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Such Great Heights

Dear J,

Flying.

It seems like i’ve been doing a lot of it lately.
There’s something about the state of flying that often makes me think of you.

Somewhere above me, you’re the light of a star that guides one home.
Somewhere below me, you’re the soft glow of a distant warmth.

And i…

i guess i’m somewhere in between. In the peaceful suspended stillness.

You’ve been in my dreams lately.
In the most recent one, i told you your absence left such a gaping hole in my heart.
You told me it was okay because your heart had one, too, where i used to be. And then you told me you missed me.
i know it was just a dream. But what i said to you… well, that was real.

i love you.

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Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday, J.

Wherever you are in the world…

Wherever i am in the world…

i love you.